Life is Easier Alone

As humans walking this earth, we have to interact with each other. But lately I've been feeling like my life would be better off if I just walked it alone.

Not to say that I don't love anyone in my life, its just that at the end of the day all you have is yourself. Its time I start putting myself first.

As an aquarius, I want to spread love to as many people as I can. I am intuitive about who to spend my time with, but at the end of the day I want to do as much as I can for everyone around me. But sometimes people are not capable of recognizing how much I do for them or how hard I am trying, and I must say it hurts me.

I want to give love to the world, but I need to give it to myself first.

When You Have a Good Day...

You remember that song 'Bad Day' by Daniel Powter? Well, I had the opposite of that today. I had a great day, despite waking up at 8am after going to bed at 3 for no apparent reason. I started my day off with a nice refreshing shower. The rest of my day was fairly busy but full of good stuff. Sushi, picking a secret santa, even going to class at 5 wasn't that bad.

I'm feeling good. I had a great night last night too. It feels so good to be free at last.

We're a few weeks out from Thanksgiving and then Christmas break, fall semester is nearly over! This is absolutely insane.

The only thing that could have made this day better would be a hug from Mom and Dad.

Katies of Novembers Past

It truly is miraculous how we change every single day. Things happen, people show their colors and we learn new things that change our perspective. Each day my head and my heart become more acquainted and knowledgeable of how the other works. It is not without pain that we learn.

It's a funny thing when you know how something is going to turn out, but you're still surprised at the outcome. He hurt me once, twice, three times. And now I have peace of mind. I can no longer act stupid and ignorant toward it. What hurts most is knowing that you can't change anyone and how they act or think. What's right is right in their brain. That's all there is to it. I am alone in my own mindset and intelligence. I have a specific method for how things should be done, that doesn't mean that everyone has that same mindset.

I bring up changing because we are nearing the end of 2014, by some strange act of God. I remember the person that I was just a year ago, two years ago. I am not either of those people. I am a better version of those girls. I know so much more a year later, and I simply cannot believe it.

Right now I'm feeling at peace with everything, despite the hurt I've experienced firsthand this weekend alone. I am lucky to have wonderful people in my life who provide me with nothing but joy. From now on I need to listen to my intuition and stop trying to suppress it.

Your first feeling about something is always the right feeling.

Meet

when you meet him
you’ll shake hands
and feel electricity move
you’ll meet eyes
and suddenly feel shy
keep his gaze,
but feel him pulling it closer
catch a glimpse of his skin
and feel a sudden urge to
touch, grab, hold
you see him in the corner of your eye
and feel your spine straighten
and your cheeks will blush
when your lips finally meet.

Quick Turn

Life is so fucking confusing. Found a song that actually captures how I feel.

I feel like we're at a turning point here, either it goes incredibly sour or sweet. I dont want to make any predictions. We'll fucking see.

I love you, and I'm proud of you

I was reading through my old blog posts and I came across a line that I wrote.
"I love you, and I'm proud of you. Say this to others but most importantly say this to yourself."

These words reign true, and I need to hear them right now. I need to care about myself more than I care about you. Care, is that even the right word? Did I ever care for you?

I know for certain you never gave a shit about me. That much is clear now. Don't feel bad about it. I did enough of that these last two weeks.

My life is my own and this is going to become even more true starting now. I am doing everything and you are NOTHING.

The sad part of all this is that I have to tell myself this, it's not something that is inherently known to me. Such is life.

Don't Push

Its hard to see yourself
fall
into the same patterns

but its easier to let yourself
do
instead of
don't

I want the simplicity of us when we looked up at the stars.
My head was in your lap, we could see for miles.
I shouldn't have blinked.
as quickly as you came, you were gone.


more than just something I could measure in tears
heartache for days
wondering
what if?
why?

here we are, now
its like an encore performance of us
and i'm asking for my next line
because I don't have the slightest clue
what it could be

ask me what its like
to fall asleep in his arms
i'll tell you

who needs a pillow
when I have your chest

no idea
how you might feel
if this is all in my head
or if I make you sad

like you do me

its easiest to write about you
in short lines
because i can't shake this inkling
that our time will be short
but you will always leave something behind

Get Busy Living

I sure have been. Look at me, not posting since May! Who do I think I am? I think I should provide somewhat of a recap of my summer.

I started off the summer scrounging around for a job in order to get any kind of money together for my Europe trip. Needless to say it was difficult to find a place that would hire me for a month. I did some dogsitting for a week or two, but only made about $300, which I mostly spent on expenses (gas and booze, basically.)

Finally, FINALLY July 6th rolled around and it was time to get my ass to Europe. I should probably write an entire post on that, but who knows if I'll have the time. So for three weeks, my cousins and I trekked throughout Europe with our 30 pound backpacks. It was heavenly. Not relaxing in any sense, but a great vacation in another way. Exciting, unexpected and fun. Doing and seeing things I was not used to. Being in a foreign country is one hell of an experience in itself, but to travel by ourselves, city to city with no guide but our slight knowledge of the places, was indescribable.

Its a trip and an experience that I won't soon forget. I wish I was lucky enough to do that every summer, because I would love to experience every country in the world.

I am so incredibly lucky to have had this experience,  I still can't believe it.

Another thing that I can't believe is that I'm growing up. I'm 19, I've traveled abroad, I'm writing articles and having them published with little editing... this is my life, and now I just sit and wait for the next incredibly exciting thing to happen to me.

Some people complain that life is melancholy and repetitive, and I've learned that is not what I want out of life. I want excitement, I want something new to be happy about every single day. Not to say that I'm going to get exactly what I want, no, but I am going to try incredibly hard for that.

We shall see how this plan pans out when I get back to school. I'm so excited, this year is going to be incredible, I can feel it.

Perspective

“I am trying to see things in perspective. My dog wants a bite of my peanut butter chocolate chip bagel. I know she cannot have this, because chocolate makes dogs very sick. My dog does not understand this. She pouts and wraps herself around my leg like a scarf and purrs and tries to convince me to give her just a tiny bit. When I do not give in, she eventually gives up and lays in the corner, under the piano, drooping and sad. I hope the universe has my best interest in mind like I have my dog’s. When I want something with my whole being, and the universe withholds it from me, I hope the universe thinks to herself: "Silly girl. She thinks this is what she wants, but she does not understand how it will hurt.”

—	THEORIES ABOUT THE UNIVERSE by Blythe Baird

I felt this to be appropriate to move from tumblr onto this blog. Lets break this down. We travel through life thinking each day that we know exactly what we want, while in reality, it could all crash down right in front of us and end up hurting us. What we think we want could destroy us, and what we think we don't want or what we stop ourselves from having could be exactly what we need.

How the hell do we ever find happiness in this imperfect and uncertain life?

Let's Reflect for a Minute

Well, today is Thursday May 15th and tomorrow at this time I will be heading home at the completion of my spring semester and my first year away at college. This went quickly didn't it? Here's the thing. Time doesn't seem to go quickly when you're in it. Only looking back does it seem to go fast. I'm afraid that the rest of my life is going to go this quickly. Hours, days, weeks, months, years. They're starting to blur already.

I learned a few things about myself this year. First, I can adjust to new situations. I used to hate change, it would trigger my anxieties. And now after this huge transition, I believe in myself to overcome any challenge. Sadness disappears, and joy comes when you aren't expecting it. I learned how to be myself on my own. Who I am partially comes from who I grew up with and where I came from, but not totally. I am me, with or without familiar surroundings.

I have anger issues, anxieties, and obsessive compulsive tendencies. By no means am I diagnosing myself with any kind of mental illness, but I'm recognizing my flaws, the things that separate me from others. I can recognize what things trigger me. Ignorance triggers my anger. New situations trigger my anxiety. And discomfort triggers my obsessiveness.

It wasn't until recently that my anger became a problem. I wish I was timid, I wish my mouth didn't get me into trouble, but that's just not who I am. I am loud and outspoken and I get angry when people piss me off and treat me poorly.

Who knows the right way to be? All I know is how to be me. This year was about self discovery and putting myself in uncomfortable situations and watching them become comfortable.

This summer I will continue on this journey of discovery while also relaxing and trying to be less uptight. At this moment as I sit in a basically empty dorm room, all I want is to be sitting on the Long Beach boardwalk with an iced tea in hand. I need release and I plan on getting it.

This summer I'll be taking my crazy ass abroad to Europe for my first time. Obviously there will be some blog posting when I return after my 22 day trip. I can't wait.

Now to go drink until its time to go home.

Explanation

I don't need one, I got one, trust me. I feel as though I need to give one. I feel most free when I can write. Whether or not you see this does not matter to me. I just need to know that its there.

I didn't care for you. You were loud, obnoxious, annoying. I even remember at orientation making fun of you for being "that guy." I was bored, you filled a hole in my life. A need, a want, a desire. Then something strange happened. I got used to you. I ran my fingers through your hair. You held my hand. You gave me piggyback rides to avoid the puddles. I stood in the rain and watched your antics during the rain delay. We watched our pupils dilate to the rise and fall of the light. Texts saying "Goodnight Beautiful." "Let me see your eyes," you said.

I allowed my judgment to be clouded. "He's different when it's just the two of us," I said. I knew it wouldn't end up with anything serious. I don't want that, and it's clear you don't either. But for a moment, I remembered what its like to be loved. All of those small lovely moments make it worth the ache. My head in your lap as we looked at the stars. We were so high.

I can only hope that these moments can overshadow the wrongs in your mind. Whether or not there were any real feelings of love here, I hope I allowed you to remember the simplicity of loving a girl. I can't say I want it back, because I don't, but all I want is to share those kinds of moments with someone who cares. That's what hurt the most. Not having these moments anymore.

I'll be fine. I am fine. I was fine before you, and I will be just fine after you. These scars on my heart will continue to grow in numbers. I will become stronger because of it.

A reply

from sun to rain
we laid together
cynical me was right
to assume you would scar me
open me up
then escape at your first chance

I knew it

people are complex, convoluted
crazy and caring
but worth it
I am worth it

maybe at 19 still believing
too much in fairy tales
still seeing the
good in people
most days

a smile in the sunlight
is all i need
to forget you
and how my head rested
upon your chest

I felt your heart race
faster than I thought possible

maybe the body is more telling
of emotion
than the mouth could ever be.

Light through the window

The sun rose

With the rise and fall

Of your breath

and I lay awake 

in thought 

You left your scent 

behind on my pillows 

And cynical me

wanted to wash it 

away for good 

Sunshine Brings Better Things

Each day grows warmer, and with it, my smile sticks around for much longer. Warm weather really does bring me so much more happiness. This winter was awful, but I'm vowing to make this spring and summer the best to make up for how 2014 began.
The past few weeks have been good, I'm feeling better about myself every time I leave the gym, and I get comments from my friends noticing how hard I'm working. It feels great, honestly.
Right now my dilemma is boys getting in the way of my goals, school wise. Its so easy to say, yes, I'll hang out with you and not do my homework or get up on time for my class. Sleeping alone is boring, anyway right?
I've taken a step back from my anxieties about my reputation or how I feel about myself to just let myself live. Who cares where it ends? Nobody remembers the nights that they got plenty of sleep. So instead, I've been going out, drinking, smoking, whatever. Just having a good time and feeling things out. Plus, I have so much fun when we go out dancing. No matter what song is playing I'm always dancing.
Now we have the countdown to the end of the semester upon us. The end of my "freshman" first year at college. I'll reflect a little more when its actually over, but when I think about the person I was a year ago, she seems like a smaller version of myself. She was confident yet scared, hopeful yet cynical. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I've arrived anywhere, self wise, but I'm getting there.
I'm ready for top down rides in the jeep to the beach!! Lets do it!!

When Does the Monotony break?

I'm in college. My life should not be monotonous or boring. And yet I feel like I'm the only one of my friends that's not enjoying herself. I mean, sometimes I do. But then there's other time where I just feel like all the shit in my life hits me at once. Its awful. I know this is short, but I need to go to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow I'll feel better.

Here's the thing about imagination

It's great when you're bored. It's awful when you should be busy. I should be focusing my attention on the here and now. And yet, I spend the majority of my days subconsciously wishing I was somewhere else. Am I too embarrassed to admit that I might not be happy here? Or happy in general? When someone asks, "how are you?" its much easier to say "good" than "eh, I've been better." because following that, you must explain how you constantly feel alone and unworthy of anyone's attention. Or how you feel like everyone hates you because you have an attitude. Or how you feel stuck up and like a tight ass because you're too scared to actually let loose and have fun. I'm scared. I get nervous, and embarrassed. I get anxious and fearful of social situations where I don't feel comfortable. I have a fun personality when I'm comfortable. But when I'm not, I barely speak.

Its awful. I feel trapped behind my anxieties. And I don't know how to unchain myself from myself.

Giving up on it

There's nothing that I can plan in this life. I can't tell God when to throw the right person my way, the only thing I can do is hope that he knows what I need. I think he does, I mean that's what religion is for right? Faith? So in order for me to have faith, I must sit and wait. I try to think about how long I've been doing that. Its a while. I don't tend to think that my decisions have been mistakes, but now I might be starting to reconsider. What would have happened if I had stayed in that relationship? Would we still be together?

"Be brave." "That was a brave decision to make." "Sometimes you just have to brave through it."

I'm being told to be brave, and yet every day I grow more and more afraid. Its my time to be a big girl, and yet here I am, wanting nothing more than to rest my head on my Dad's shoulder or get a big hug from my Mommy. I am so blessed to love my parents so much and have them love me just the same. I have to be strong. I have to be here and get my degree and learn what I want to be. I have to be here to find myself.

I'm such a big baby. Whatever, I'm allowed to be whatever I want. I do what I have to do to get by.
"Man up. Put your helmet on and get back in the game." - Wise words from my Dad

Hopefully my next post here will be more optimistic. Until next time

How Do You Feel When Our Fingers Intertwine?

I swear, sometimes music can just take you back to a moment. A feeling, a sensation, a wish, a hope, a desire. Its like clockwork. The song plays, and I feel everything. The words don't even have to matter. The intense feeling of a piano striking the keys. The drums beating along to the pulse of your blood. There's nothing like it.

When I think of you, I see the way our fingers laced together. The way you looked at me: face to face. Eyes to eyes. Maybe I'm over romanticising it. But I could swear on what I saw in your eyes. I'm ready to start again with you. I know I can do it. Can you?

This is my problem, every life experience is a poem. I consider myself a writer, and I think that's my downfall. I'm living life like I would be writing a novel.

Sitting here writing this, I'm realizing that this is what I want, but I don't know if you feel the same way. I guess we will have to wait and see.