On My Own, But Not Alone

It's nearly been a month since I packed up my bags, got on a plane, and 24 hours later, arrived in Sydney, Australia for my study abroad experience.

In that time I have made friends, seen some sights, experienced Sydney nightlife, and began my studies. I have 4 more months to do and see a lot more, but this is a start.
One thing I can say so far is that this is incredibly uncomfortable in the best way. I have taken myself out of my comfort zone and moved across the planet. I think about home everyday, and how it is all so different here, but in the end I will have done something huge. Become comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.
Reminds me of a scene from GIRLS when Hannah is commissioned to write an e-book, and the editor has this on his wall.

Right now I am so far away from my comfort zone; my friends, family, hometown, college. I love and appreciate all those things and people so much. But now is my time to be alone, to grow up and out and forward.

Quick glimpse of what I've been up to 

My Biological Best Friend

She is everything. Sometimes I am caught off guard with moments of clarity, of a memory that we have shared. A smile or a laugh. I can feel her hugs and embrace even when I am miles away.
In my worst moments, the one thing that I know would help me is her wise word.
My love for her goes deeper than anything I can describe.
My one, unmoving rock. No matter what words I throw at it, it will not be moved.
In exchange for all of the fresh egg sandwiches, $20 bills, packed lunches, organized closets, new ballet shoes, textbooks and novels- you have my unwavering adoration.
The time will come when I will provide for you the way you always have for me.
And you are so deserving.
A fearful tear comes to my eye when I think of leaving you, for months and weeks to come.
My fingers tremble at the thought of being away from my mother.
But with all the unwavering love you have shown me, I know I have nothing to truly be afraid of.

Thank you for all you have taught, given, and shown me. With my entire life in your hands you shaped me to be just as strong and smart as you are. Now is the time that I get to prove it to you, and you get to marvel at all your hard work.

Everything I have, I got from you. I love you Mommy.

Firework

With you, it's been back and forth a thousand and one times.
From pure love to pure anger and hatred, I've felt every ounce of it
Shock and unsettled emotion
One endearing look is all it takes
Maybe I'm too kind,
letting you have such power
But I can't argue with my heart

When I see us
I visualize a firework
Brightness igniting and lighting the dark
The sound of your breath is louder than the impact
and the feel of your hand is more electric than the chemistry

The days that it is the most simple
are the easiest
I forget my pride for a moment
and let you in

Judgment blurred but I see it all
Straight past my insecurities and
into your arms.

Head to Heart

So begins a new semester. It's very difficult to believe that this is my fourth semester here at school. To give you all an update on my life, I'm doing wonderfully! Classes have begun and I like all of them so far. I got a weekly babysitting job to have some extra cash and the radio station is starting up again. I have a feeling I'm going to be getting much busier.

As for romance and personal growth.. strange that I decided to word it that way, anyways..

I've decided that I need to put myself first. I have many great qualities about me, and I hear it all the time from the amazing people in my life, but sometimes I tend to forget it. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see the most perfect version of myself. This has been a problem of mine for as long as I can remember. I'm never proud of myself. I have plenty of accomplishments under my belt but I still feel inadequate most days. It even translates into my personal relationships, I will hold myself back from people I have just met in fear that I will talk too much. And I fear that what I have to say won't be interesting or important to the person I'm talking to. I'm at the gym nearly every day working out for hours on end, and when I leave I am still unsatisfied with my performance. I wonder if I will ever shake this feeling.

It's the strangest thing, being this outgoing and seemingly confident person is not all its cracked up to me. Its not that I hate myself.. that's definitely not it. I just don't see myself as particularly extraordinary. Despite all of the wonderful things that happen in my life.. past, present, and future.

Nonetheless, God has put someone in my life as of recently that I am excited to learn about. It feels good, and he's sweet. No matter what happens with it, it's great to meet new people who enjoy your company.

Katie: You can run a 9 minute mile. You are on track to graduate college a year ahead. You are in a position of power at the campus radio station. You have nice blonde hair. You are funny and interesting.

These are things I know in my head but can't seem to feel in my heart.

Hello 2015!

Wow! We have made it to 2015 already! This blog has been around a long time now and a lot of things have changed since it began. When I started writing I was a college applicant, and now here I am two and a half years later a junior (technically) in school and planning to study abroad later this year.

I've learned so many things in this time, and I hope I have been able to convey that through my posts. I am so excited for what 2015 will bring me. I am planning to study abroad fall semester in Sydney, Australia! I've begun the process of applying and budgeting what money I will need in order to buy a plane ticket, visa, etc. I am so hopeful and excited for this opportunity to study in a foreign country.

With traveling across the world for 6 months, some fears come to mind. I'm afraid that I will miss my family immensely, first. My mom and I are incredibly close, and taking this step in my life will take me further away from her than I have ever been before. It's going to be very difficult, but I think that this experience will thrust me into adulthood and prepare me for living on my own in my twenties.

Speaking of, I'm turning 20 in 5 weeks! My teenage years are coming to an end and it's interesting to look back on how the years have come and gone. I am pretty damn happy with how things have turned out. I'm continuing to take care of myself physically and mentally and trying to address the things that cause me stress as soon as possible.

Here's to 2015, the year of opportunity, experience, fun, and spreading love. Let's do it.