Perspective

“I am trying to see things in perspective. My dog wants a bite of my peanut butter chocolate chip bagel. I know she cannot have this, because chocolate makes dogs very sick. My dog does not understand this. She pouts and wraps herself around my leg like a scarf and purrs and tries to convince me to give her just a tiny bit. When I do not give in, she eventually gives up and lays in the corner, under the piano, drooping and sad. I hope the universe has my best interest in mind like I have my dog’s. When I want something with my whole being, and the universe withholds it from me, I hope the universe thinks to herself: "Silly girl. She thinks this is what she wants, but she does not understand how it will hurt.”

—	THEORIES ABOUT THE UNIVERSE by Blythe Baird

I felt this to be appropriate to move from tumblr onto this blog. Lets break this down. We travel through life thinking each day that we know exactly what we want, while in reality, it could all crash down right in front of us and end up hurting us. What we think we want could destroy us, and what we think we don't want or what we stop ourselves from having could be exactly what we need.

How the hell do we ever find happiness in this imperfect and uncertain life?

Let's Reflect for a Minute

Well, today is Thursday May 15th and tomorrow at this time I will be heading home at the completion of my spring semester and my first year away at college. This went quickly didn't it? Here's the thing. Time doesn't seem to go quickly when you're in it. Only looking back does it seem to go fast. I'm afraid that the rest of my life is going to go this quickly. Hours, days, weeks, months, years. They're starting to blur already.

I learned a few things about myself this year. First, I can adjust to new situations. I used to hate change, it would trigger my anxieties. And now after this huge transition, I believe in myself to overcome any challenge. Sadness disappears, and joy comes when you aren't expecting it. I learned how to be myself on my own. Who I am partially comes from who I grew up with and where I came from, but not totally. I am me, with or without familiar surroundings.

I have anger issues, anxieties, and obsessive compulsive tendencies. By no means am I diagnosing myself with any kind of mental illness, but I'm recognizing my flaws, the things that separate me from others. I can recognize what things trigger me. Ignorance triggers my anger. New situations trigger my anxiety. And discomfort triggers my obsessiveness.

It wasn't until recently that my anger became a problem. I wish I was timid, I wish my mouth didn't get me into trouble, but that's just not who I am. I am loud and outspoken and I get angry when people piss me off and treat me poorly.

Who knows the right way to be? All I know is how to be me. This year was about self discovery and putting myself in uncomfortable situations and watching them become comfortable.

This summer I will continue on this journey of discovery while also relaxing and trying to be less uptight. At this moment as I sit in a basically empty dorm room, all I want is to be sitting on the Long Beach boardwalk with an iced tea in hand. I need release and I plan on getting it.

This summer I'll be taking my crazy ass abroad to Europe for my first time. Obviously there will be some blog posting when I return after my 22 day trip. I can't wait.

Now to go drink until its time to go home.

Explanation

I don't need one, I got one, trust me. I feel as though I need to give one. I feel most free when I can write. Whether or not you see this does not matter to me. I just need to know that its there.

I didn't care for you. You were loud, obnoxious, annoying. I even remember at orientation making fun of you for being "that guy." I was bored, you filled a hole in my life. A need, a want, a desire. Then something strange happened. I got used to you. I ran my fingers through your hair. You held my hand. You gave me piggyback rides to avoid the puddles. I stood in the rain and watched your antics during the rain delay. We watched our pupils dilate to the rise and fall of the light. Texts saying "Goodnight Beautiful." "Let me see your eyes," you said.

I allowed my judgment to be clouded. "He's different when it's just the two of us," I said. I knew it wouldn't end up with anything serious. I don't want that, and it's clear you don't either. But for a moment, I remembered what its like to be loved. All of those small lovely moments make it worth the ache. My head in your lap as we looked at the stars. We were so high.

I can only hope that these moments can overshadow the wrongs in your mind. Whether or not there were any real feelings of love here, I hope I allowed you to remember the simplicity of loving a girl. I can't say I want it back, because I don't, but all I want is to share those kinds of moments with someone who cares. That's what hurt the most. Not having these moments anymore.

I'll be fine. I am fine. I was fine before you, and I will be just fine after you. These scars on my heart will continue to grow in numbers. I will become stronger because of it.

A reply

from sun to rain
we laid together
cynical me was right
to assume you would scar me
open me up
then escape at your first chance

I knew it

people are complex, convoluted
crazy and caring
but worth it
I am worth it

maybe at 19 still believing
too much in fairy tales
still seeing the
good in people
most days

a smile in the sunlight
is all i need
to forget you
and how my head rested
upon your chest

I felt your heart race
faster than I thought possible

maybe the body is more telling
of emotion
than the mouth could ever be.