Well, I'm back. Technically I've been back for a month now from my study abroad experience. I've had some time to reflect on the months as a whole and I think now I'm ready to write about it.
While I was abroad I kept a journal and I think the entries in there will remain there and only there. But here, I'll start from the beginning.
Arrival was a mass mix of emotions. From the second the first plane took off, all I could think about was the unknown. Strange, imagining that I could think about things that didn't happen yet or experiences I hoped I would have, picturing what the experience would look like. At landing, I thought about how glorious the day would be when I came home. I was terrified, essentially. Luckily, I had Ross, my childhood live in Australian nanny to pick me up. It was pouring rain and I was looking around at all the unfamiliarity surrounding me. The passenger side of the car was on the wrong side.
Ross took a detour and showed me my first glimpse of Sydney, the city I would call home for the next 5 months. I stayed awake as long as I could that day, but still managed to wake up at 5 a.m. In New York time that was 1 p.m., so I was able to stay distracted via social media. The day I moved into my apartment was another rainy Sydney morning. Alone, and with no cell service or map, I found my way to 702 Harris Street and checked in. The empty bedroom and suite style apartment excited me, and decorating and unpacking gave me something to do for a while.
The first few weeks are a strange blur. Days seemed to drag on where I had little to nothing to do. That first Sunday, I went alone to a student event; a walk to the Rocks, the historic district around the Opera House. It was there that I met my best friend.
I'd like to share a little something I learned from all of this. That piece of knowledge is that we don't meet people for no reason. Human connections don't come out of nowhere. This is where you are supposed to be. I'd like to thank God's plan for bringing me Sandra and Mathew. First, I'll start with Sandra.
I remember thinking she was far too cool to want to waste any time with me. She and I discovered we are both journalism majors, and were enrolled in one of the same classes. I don't recall exactly what brought us so close, but I am so incredibly grateful that it happened. It wasn't long before we were spending drunken nights eating kebabs and maccas together. Drinking boxed wine until the entire thing was empty. And sharing a delicious hungover meal together at moo burger that we didn't deserve, only to follow it by returning to our respective homes and taking a nap. I so wish that we had lived together, because I can only imagine just how much fun that would have been. Sandra and I share one important trait, and that's that we can make ANYTHING into a joke. And that's exactly what we did. I miss her so much. It's like a part of me is missing now.
The first month of uni was a drunken blur, essentially. I had to figure out where exactly my classes were (got lost a few times), where to find the cheapest produce (Paddy's market), how much a week to spend on bubble teas (approximately $10 AUD), and how to get drunk fast for cheap (boxes of goon.)
Toward the end of August, I was feeling pretty decently homesick. And almost immediately after wondering why I had even put myself in this position, I met a young man by the name of Mathew. I met him on tinder, to be honest, but I don't even believe that.
Not even a minute into meeting him, he laughed at something I said that was in no way funny at all. Looking back now, I realized something was different about him from that moment on. We spent an awesome night together drinking buckets of coronas on Darling Harbor, talking until the sun set and then some. We went back to my building to join my friends in celebrating a birthday for Odette, up on the rooftop. It was like the place was empty. I didn't want to talk to anyone else, there was only him. He followed me downstairs to my room so I could grab my purse on the way out, the apartment was dark as we were walking out. Boldened by a few drinks, I turned around and kissed him. I just had to.
The first few times we hung out afterwords felt almost uncomfortable, because of how comfortable it was. Does that make sense? It does to me. I was confused about his feelings because he was so kind, so respectful. I wasn't used to it.
The next few months consisted of us growing closer, spending weekends and weeknights together. Waking up early so he could go to work. Hiking to lighthouses, cooking dinner, watching movies, cuddling, sleeping, existing together. Happiness coursed through my veins.
The only way I was ever sad was because of my past issues. Breaking down emotional walls is the most challenging thing a person can do. "You didn't do this to me, you don't deserve this," I cried. Easier for me to believe that he was unfaithful or lying than to think he was being truthful and loving. "It's okay, we're gonna talk about this and figure it out." he said 20,000 times, speaking directly to my insecurity.
It's been a few weeks since I cried about it, but writing this now by the dim light of my laptop brings me to tears. I am out of ways to express my gratitude, my appreciation for what he has done to me. When I returned, people asked, how do you feel?
"I feel light, I feel carefree and without this heavy burden I used to carry on my shoulders."
I didn't realize how heavy a load I had created for myself until it was gone. This is how I am meant to feel.
I want everyone to know and learn one thing from this post. Self discovery is the most important discovery you can make. Find yourself, and accept yourself fully, then you can be happy no matter what the circumstance. I met incredible people on my journey who helped me to discover that the person I am is acceptable and lovable. I am forever grateful.
Now it's time to finish my bachelor's degree and figure out what my next step is. These next two semesters are already turning out to be adventures in themselves. Not as exciting and new as Australia was, but that's okay. I'm enjoying spending time with family and re-introducing myself to my life as this new, fulfilled person.
The future is wide open... and yes, it's scary, but its even more beautiful. I can do whatever I want next. I'm trying not to plan too far ahead, because the thought of years to come is a bit overwhelming, especially seeing as graduation is in my near future. I haven't known a life without school since I was 5 years old.. this time around, I'm confident I can figure it out.
Thank you to all the amazing, life changing people I met in Australia. No matter how many days and nights we spent together, it didn't feel like enough. I love you guys.
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